Quixotic

It's Christmas Eve, my adult children are here. I am blessed. I have overcome so much in 2018. My long embattled case against the state settled. I prayed Psalm 23 almost every day to cope with the amount of stress and harassment that goes with a workers comp case. I found strength in Joel Osteen emails and letters from his ministry. I have managed depression and found that the more I am grateful the more hope I found in trying again--starting over right where I am. The greatest lesson of 2018 is being able to start over again, with the odds against me, counted out, and looked over. I still feel encouraged to keep going. I still struggle with holding on to relationships that are toxic in many ways, my relationship with Leah has gone south, north, east, and west. Yet, I sit here and tell myself I cannot walk away. I can't start over again. Why do I hold on when I know it's not bringing me the happiness and joy I deserve? Then I think about a word that means so much to me; onc

the icy lies rolling off tongues belonged to women who licked my clit leaving me in destroyed orgasms 18 years old a fine young stud easily lead to the house made of candy  Hansel and Gretel  I escaped the fire through the labyrinth of my mind  I hit 30 years old like a meteor You get what you give to me I am the eclipse both light and dark Now at 42 years old I will never love anyone more than I love myself  I will never respect anyone more than I respect myself  And now the house built of candy is mine And my tongue will freeze your soul I am complete~

I grew up in the Huntersville section of Norfolk, VA, otherwise known as the hood. My mom worked all the time, so I was responsible for my 3 siblings. I helped with homework, told them to cleanup, and was generally the boss of them as the 2nd oldest of 5 children. I would love being the boss later in life, ha! My sisters and my brother loved and respected me and my living sisters still look up to me. I just noticed I was so different from my siblings. I couldn't tolerate weed, while they were experimenting as teens. I would end up thinking I was dying and call my mom at work--so lame! They made a lot of friends in the neighborhood, I was scared to go outside bc at night we would hear rounds of gunfire. I decided I would rather stay in talk on the phone, watch Sanford and Son, and end up having 2 babies by the time I was 19, but I was not excited about "the dick" as my sisters would rant and rave about. I was busy crushing on Queen Latifah on "Living Single". A

August 12th, 2013, I started as a Business Intelligence Analyst for a large university. It was the  job I prayed for. It was the job that blessed my family financially. It was the promotion I was proud to share with my mom, my friends, and my colleagues. My new job would require relocation to a large city and the excitement I felt was like hitting the job lottery. With my whole heart, I packed my house, hired movers, and awaited my new beginning. I found an amazing apartment, a palatial 2 bedroom 2 bath, with 9ft vaulted ceilings, garden tub, fireplace, and bar sitting area. It was the apartment I dreamed of and would be very proud to host gatherings and holidays. I remember walking out onto the balcony of that apartment after everything was moved in and feeling blessed, worthy, and that finally all my hard-work, faith, and perseverance brought me to that moment. It was a powerful feeling and I cherished the opportunity to be promoted, provide for my family, and enhance my skill

Lately, I have had some stress, a few setbacks, things I have been disappointed about. My adult children are doing well and moving forward--and I will never take that for granted. I also have felt a little down--well down right depressed. I have struggled with clinical depression for many years. I manage to find my way out of the funk--most times. However, I find myself less and less trying to mask how I feel. That wasn't healthy anyway. I talk to my counselor. I take my meds. I try to stay balanced. I just feel like before my accident in 2013-I was living up to my expectations of myself. Now, I'm feeling like I have struck out--no pun on baseball--which I find boring. I'm thinking and thinking about what I want out of my life. What can I do with all this chronic back pain and such? I don't complain. I don't feel sorry for myself. I just don't have any motivation to try again. And that's the funk--the funk of being unmotivated. So how can I get my fire b

So I have been attending AA meetings online since February. I have found a nice group of people to connect with. During the online meetings we share our experiences with alcohol and our hope for recovery. I have grown to love and look forward to connecting with people who have so much in common. Alcoholism has no boundaries of race, gender, sexual orientation, or religious background. I found that being apart of that group encourages me to drink less, pray about my problems, and approach alcohol with an entirely different attitude. So, recently, I started to have private messages with Nancy from the AA online group. We click, we share that we are both in the LGBTQIA community, have children, and enjoy writing. We share a few messages and a couple emails. I like talking to Nancy and we are becoming fast friend (do people really say that)? Anyway, during a private conversation I confide in Nancy, because I trust her, yes not far from being a total stranger I trust her. I tell h

In 1997, my 19-year-old brother Joel Joash was murdered in Virginia. This event would turn my family upside down and cause a lifelong battle with grief and heartache. The night he died is etched into the fabric of who I am today. Meaning, that event forever altered who I am in this lifetime. My brother was selling drugs.  My  mother—with all her best efforts couldn’t get him to stop selling drugs. The night he died, he had a confrontation with another drug dealer that would lead to his shooting death. I don’t want to re-live the facts as they are from that night. They cause too much trauma. I want to focus on how I have made it through the pain all these years later. I was 21 when he died, old enough to understand how the justice system failed us, how my brothers unlawful behavior contributed to his own death.   In the beginning of the grief process, all I could do was cry, probably through the first year after. I couldn’t talk about what happened to him, I couldn’t look at his pic

It was Memorial Day weekend 2017. We had gone to church, myself, Leah, and another couple Leah is friends with. Then we decided to have a backyard BBQ. I was on the grill, others were in the kitchen preparing things and we all were drinking.  The day turned into night, and we were all extremely drunk. I decided that I would perform some spoken word, well that turned left real quick, my poetry soured the mood, I remember most of it was erotic and a bit personal—but hey it’s my poetry. So then an argument ensues. Everyone needs a timeout. I kicked the couple out; and Leah decides she was going to leave with them.  Not to mention one of Leah’s friends present was openly flirting with me..So I remember being pissed off about the whole scenario.  Leah and I talk the next day and I want to be done—I am done. I tell her I’m having problems with being gay, questioning my faith and the argument from the night before just underscored my need for change. She doesn’t take it well, she expla

When the twisted winds of pain Push me down to Valleys low, I cry Power tears And Pray Power prayers I stand bare hands open After years of holding children’s small hands And locking hands with members of my church Clasped hands span over decades Now holding hands of adult children Soon to be my grey hands Problems gone I released those sorrows into the Master’s hands Because trouble don’t last always

My son grew up knowing how much I love him and he still does. He also had wonderful opportunities to learn, grow, and have success during his early years. I spent countless hours encouraging him and providing guidance. Most of all, I set an example for him, he watched me earn a BS then an MBA, work and earn a decent living which provided comfort for him and his sister. I also took my children to church. So that they could have faith in God. My son had every opportunity to shine. Despite my parenting efforts, he ended in prison by the time he was 19 years old. I remember sitting in the courtroom with my stomach in knots, in a surreal fog as the sheriff lead my son out in front of the judge, shackled and handcuffed. My heart sank into the bottom of the Atlantic—never to forgive myself, how the hell did I let this happen? Then a quiet voice reminds me: I gave my son everything I had as a mother to give, love, support, encouragement, he made some bad decisions—despite my best intentio

I often wonder do others have a single event that split their life into two parts, before x and after x. The first experience was losing my 19-yr. old brother to murder in 1997 (separate post all together). The second experience was a car accident in 2013. Before the accident I was working full-time making decent money, vibrant and active, social and enjoying discovering the new city I had just moved to. After the accident my entire life would change. One day I was traveling on the freeway and I was involved in a serious crash. I was transported to the hospital via EMS. My mother was called on the scene of the accident, I remember the fear in her voice “are you ok???” Yes, I tell her, she immediately starts saying “thank God, thank God you are alright”. I hand the cell phone back to the stranger who let me call my mother, while I sat on the ground waiting for EMS to arrive. I will never forget how God protected my life that day. I remember thinking as the accident unfolded in slo

I was having a text conversation with my soul Sista friend Kiana.   We have always had transparent conversations, and this conversation wasn’t any different. She reminded me that I am a serial dater. I take short breaks between relationships (historically) and don’t really like being without a partner. I had to take a few days and figure that out. Here is the dynamic that I understand about myself. I am by nature—introverted. However, I can also be extroverted when I want to be. For example, I have trouble calling new people on the phone because I am shy, I would rather text them. Furthermore, I can perform spoken word with a room full of people—I have performed spoken word with a room full of people during gay pride. I started to think about it. I enjoy my solitude—it’s how I recharge. I don’t have many visitors at my house. I spend a great deal of my time—alone. Until I’m in a relationship, then I spend most of my time with my partner. I also enjoy spending time with my family.   I

It’s 2014 my ex Emily broke up with me (again) in May of that year. Our former relationship was so unfulfilling. So I ended up using a dating site in June and connected with Debra. My ex and I didn’t spend much time together, so I was over her and wanted to move on.   Debra is a poet, writer, and enjoys many of the social events I enjoy. She even understood my back injury and offered to help with different things that I may have needed. We end up spending a lot of time together over the next few months. The summer of 2014, as I remember it. We go to open mic nite and perform, we go to the beach, and we introduce each other to our children. So one day we were talking, and I asked so are we “girlfriends” she looks at me kind of strange and tells me to think back to when we first started dating, I told you I don’t titles; and I vaguely recall her saying those exact words. I just thought after 3 months of dating and sex—we were official, right, dead ass wrong. Her next words perplexed me a

We decided to travel to DC for my birthday this year, me and my girlfriend Leah. Leah and I have been through quite a bit, which I will explain here during our 2 years of on/off dating.   During this trip I also scheduled a meet up with my long-time Facebook friend Kiana. Leah and I took the train and arrived in DC tipsy and ready to have fun. We checked into our hotel and ordered the best cheeseburgers I’ve had in a long time. We chatted a bit and went to sleep. The next day we were up early and headed to the Mad Hatter for brunch, we enjoyed the “hangover” breakfast entrée, although we weren’t hungover. I decided to call my friend Kiana and find out how her morning was going, turns out she was already out and about so we plan to meet up at the best department store in all of North America: Macy’s. After several failed attempts with Lyft drivers to pick us up and take us to Macy's; at this point I’m not sure why I’m in charge of travel because I had more than a few mimosa

As I mentioned before..I'm currently in AA. I started drinking about 2 years after my car accident in 2013. At first it was just my regular partying..on the weekend and clubbing with my friends. Then it turned into picking up bottles of Patron during the week and drinking to chill or relax. Before I knew it I was drinking just about everyday, even when I met my current girlfriend, she drank with me. I made excuses for my drinking, I am in pain, I'm stressed out, etc..my family issues--many of them serious all contributed to my downward spiral of drinking. On the outside I posted party pictures of liquor bottles and shot glasses..meanwhile I was falling into a deep dark depression no one even knew about. On Feb 21st 2018, less than two weeks after my 42nd birthday, I made a foolish decision to drive my car after drinking..I ran my car into a ditch, thankfully didn't injure myself or anyone else. This incident encouraged me to stop drinking. I looked online and found a su

Sooo in 2013 I moved to a large city in North Carolina, started a new job and left my ex. My relationship with my ex is documented in all posts written prior to 2018. She never came to visit me. it was a one-sided disaster I learned a lot from that relationship and moved on. I meet a nice woman in 2014 and we dated, she called it a situationship. It didn't work out..we acted like we had a relationship without the commitment, she went on to marry someone else 2 months after we weren't in a situationship. Go figure. I meet my current girlfriend 2 years later. We have been through quite a bit..mostly because in 2016 I questioned my sexuality and faith. I had a crisis of self and went through a long summer of self-reflection, faith building, and honesty. I was able to make amends with my current girlfriend and we are happy. We have our share of struggles...yet, the love keeps us working on ourselves individually which makes the relationship stronger. Now, how did I end up in AA

IMBD Link: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt1825683/?ref_=nv_sr_1 I was so enchanted after watching Black Panther on the day it opened with my 22-year-old son, I couldn’t wait to return to Wakanda—a fictitious African country blessed with a mineral that sustains life and gives its inhabitants technological advancements far beyond anything we have seen in previous Marvel movies, including Iron Man.   The movie starts with a beautiful conversation between parent and child, and soon movie goers are whisked away to a land we ALL want to live in. Wakanda represents the community African Americans should have, one that isn’t filled with drug dealers, poverty, and suffering. The story line goes on to tell the journey of T’Challa (aka The Black Panther) the newly crowned King of Wakanda. All is well in the Kingdom…until a secret reveals there is another challenger to the throne and off we go to another ritual battle. Mesmerized by the stunning special effects and brilliant black exce

I haven't posted in over 5 years, so much has happened in that span of time. I broke up with my long-term ex in July 2016. I meet someone new shortly after, and we have been together going on 2 years. Most importantly I was involved in a car accident in 2013, which left me with chronic pain. I am also in the process of working through my drinking problem in AA..I will tell it all here, in the privacy of my online blog..here we go... Copyright CS Knight Productions 2018