February 21st

I often wonder do others have a single event that split their life into two parts, before x and after x. The first experience was losing my 19-yr. old brother to murder in 1997 (separate post all together). The second experience was a car accident in 2013. Before the accident I was working full-time making decent money, vibrant and active, social and enjoying discovering the new city I had just moved to. After the accident my entire life would change.

One day I was traveling on the freeway and I was involved in a serious crash. I was transported to the hospital via EMS. My mother was called on the scene of the accident, I remember the fear in her voice “are you ok???” Yes, I tell her, she immediately starts saying “thank God, thank God you are alright”. I hand the cell phone back to the stranger who let me call my mother, while I sat on the ground waiting for EMS to arrive. I will never forget how God protected my life that day. I remember thinking as the accident unfolded in slow motion for me, this is the day I will see God, I was calm, I never screamed. It was everything that happened after the accident that was the deal breaker.  

A year goes by with a blink. I have physical therapy and a whirlwind of doctors’ appointments, turns out I have a spinal injury. I cannot sit or stand for prolonged periods of time. I am prescribed pain killers and I’m out of work. I fight the insurance company for medical treatment, loss wages, and my dignity! I learn to live with chronic pain, but most of all I must adjust to a less active lifestyle. I miss working out, jogging and Zumba. I gain weight, almost 20 lbs. I become depressed. My relationships suffer. I pray more than I ever have. I read Joel Osteen emails and finally one day, I open one of Joel Osteen’s emails and it reads:

February 21. 2014

Isaiah 27:5 “Let him take hold of My strength, that he may make peace with me.”

“No matter what comes your way, you can handle it!. You are ready for it and equal to it. If you will stay in agreement with God, He will take what is meant for your harm and use it to your advantage. That difficulty won’t defeat you. It will promote you into the life of blessing and victory He has in store for you!” This messages literally lifts my spirit out of darkness. For the next 3 years this message is posted on my bathroom mirror, I read it daily, I post it on my social media accounts. It settles in my spirit, I trust that God will work it all out for me, the injury, the job, my relationships. 

As I change my negative thinking, I remind myself  I didn't lose my life. I lost the job, and the salary, but no one can take my education or skills. I am blessed to see another day to hug my children, my mother, and my siblings and nieces and nephews. I am here. And I begin to live gratefully for a while..

Sadly, over the next year I slowly forget the message from February, I slip back into the grips of depression. The insurance company is dragging me through hell. The opiates I’m taking for pain cause my depression to worsen. My back hurts every single day. My romantic relationship is suffering because I was with someone who wasn’t supportive enough emotionally or physically present. She sent me money, but I needed so much more at this time. I feel so close to giving up. However, my mother becomes my support system, she visits me, she calls me everyday, and she prays for me, as she always has. Thanks Ma, I love you. 

 I try to remember God’s plan, but I’m full of resentment about the injury and losing my job. I start seeing a therapist and start to have a little faith again. I start drinking. First, to numb all the emotions of hurt and disappointment and to numb the physical pain. I end up thinking about how many salary increases I would have had by now. And how much I would have learned to advance my career. I feel bitter inside. I continue to pray. In 2017 I decide to move back home, I leave the city I love, I feel like the city chewed me up and spit me out. I feel overwhelmed.

It’s 2018 I find peace by moving back to the home I own, I feel confident that God is working everything out for my good, I see a light at the end of the tunnel. But I’m still drinking too much, I’m overthinking and anxious. I am thoroughly done with the insurance company, the day before my DWI they attempt to change my doctor. Ironically the DWI is exactly 4 years to the day of the Joel Osteen post from above February 21, 2018—I think God is speaking! I realize that as I’m typing this out. I should have taken hold of God’s strength. However, I can start over right now and make better choices.

I have started over and I am making better choices. I cannot change the past. I can learn from it. I’m still standing. I’m learning to cope with my chronic pain. I learn to deal with the insurance company with the help of my attorney. I focus on the things I can do. I find gratitude again. I love my family stronger. I have a partner who is supportive emotionally and most of all she is present. I forgive myself for my mistakes. I love and accept myself, and declare I am worthy! I have also significantly changed how much and when I drink through an online AA support group. 

 I also have an idea for a business I can start and earn a good living again. I rise. Still I rise, because of Him. I rise. I'm so thankful for a patient, loving, kind, and forgiving God!