Summer 2017

It was Memorial Day weekend 2017. We had gone to church, myself, Leah, and another couple Leah is friends with. Then we decided to have a backyard BBQ. I was on the grill, others were in the kitchen preparing things and we all were drinking.  The day turned into night, and we were all extremely drunk. I decided that I would perform some spoken word, well that turned left real quick, my poetry soured the mood, I remember most of it was erotic and a bit personal—but hey it’s my poetry. So then an argument ensues. Everyone needs a timeout. I kicked the couple out; and Leah decides she was going to leave with them.  Not to mention one of Leah’s friends present was openly flirting with me..So I remember being pissed off about the whole scenario.

 Leah and I talk the next day and I want to be done—I am done. I tell her I’m having problems with being gay, questioning my faith and the argument from the night before just underscored my need for change. She doesn’t take it well, she explains no one is upset with me because we were all wayyy too drunk to make better judgement calls. I don’t buy it. I tell her I’m done again. 

Over the next few weeks, I would try to explain to Leah how I felt about my faith and being gay, and how the argument over Memorial Day weekend made me feel like shit. I was at odds with myself. My mom’s comments from November of 2016 lingered and haunted me. The conversation with my mom, went like this: “I want you to come out of homosexuality, I have been wanting to tell you that for a long time” and then she bursts into tears. I remember telling her, that I was saved because I accepted Jesus as my savior when I was 17 yrs. old. However, I didn’t feel saved or even loved by God at that moment. I felt so sad, empty, and worthless. I knew my mom was well meaning, however, that statement would put my life into a tail spin that lasted until September of 2017. Looking back, I understand I could have handled the spoken word situation differently, I did apologize to that couple, but the damage on both sides was done. We never hung out with them again. However, everything truly does happen for a reason.

So back to my crisis of self. Leah was not in the place to help me with my crisis, nor could she. Eventually, I left the city I lived in and moved back to the city I own my home. I was lonely at first then I begin to work on myself. I prayed a lot, I read my bible a lot. I also started therapy. I was depressed. I was still talking to Leah, she vowed to stand with me, even though she didn’t understand what I was going through. She held my space, she loved me when I turned my back on her. She loved me and waited for me to love her again, even when I told her I wouldn’t. She stood with me from 2 hours away. My relationship with my mother is now tense. She calls me and checks on me, she notices I’m very distant. Finally, one day I just broke down and told her I couldn’t be anyone else, I didn’t know who else to be except myself. And I guess something I said triggered compassion within her. My mom confesses to me that my dad was gay. And in my mind, I’m going bingo!

I would like to add that during this time, I try to date men. My best friend said "I would hurt the guy", my other friend said, "are you going to take the guy serious?" Even my daughter looked at me blankly and said, “I don’t think that is a good idea ma”. I go on 1 date, with Barry, it feels odd. I feel strange. I notice he is wearing a watch that I own (face plant) of all the stupid watches, he is wearing one I have in my stud collection. I notice right away, I am not attracted to him. He is tall 6’3 dark skinned and fit. I feel nothing. I don’t want him to touch me or kiss me. I talk to him over the phone after the date.  I did find that I could have a friendly conversation with the opposite sex, but that was it. I figured after a few dates Barry would eventually want more than what I was willing to give emotionally and physically. I end up ghosting Barry. And he ghosts me, we just plain stop talking. No more texts, phone calls nothing, and I’m ok with that. I don’t have to explain to him the truth, I am gay. However, after just one date, I don’t think I need to explain anything further.

I continue working with my therapist, she tells me if I love Leah and feel she is the one for me, I should tell her and ask for another chance. I was hopelessly in love with Leah, even though I thought moving away would change my feelings for her it didn’t. I missed her. I thought about her every day. I was sorry for hurting her and running away from my issues. I prayed one day, not for restoration of my relationship with Leah, but I prayed for peace. The next day, Leah text me and explains: I want to try again, I love you, I want you back.

At this point I have accepted that I love God AND He loves me just as I am. Then and only then can I love someone else, only if I love and accept myself. Leah and get back together. It’s a lot of challenging work, but we are both better women for having gone through what we went through. Then there are my physical changes. For most of my life I have identified with masculine energy, not just in the clothes I wore it was my attitude and how I carried myself. Over the summer though I decide to explore my softer side, my feminine side. I like it. Leah tells me she prefers the softer look. I decide I’m gender fluid. I can wear what I want, because clothes don’t make the woman, its my character that matters.

Today Leah and I are sober. We are kinder to each other. She asked me to marry her, and I said yes. We are working together. The love never changed between us. That is what amazes me about Leah, she loved me at my worse. She loved me when I didn’t love her back. I am grateful for this love. It helps me to mend my broken places.

As for my relationship with my mom, it seems she has decided that she values our relationship more than her difference in opinion about who I should love! She invites Leah to Christmas Dinner. Then a bit later, Leah and I take my mom to see the Black Panther and out for lunch. Again I feel gratitude. I am strong in my faith and love myself totally and completely.