Pain and the Promise

In 1997, my 19-year-old brother Joel Joash was murdered in Virginia. This event would turn my family upside down and cause a lifelong battle with grief and heartache. The night he died is etched into the fabric of who I am today. Meaning, that event forever altered who I am in this lifetime. My brother was selling drugs.  My  mother—with all her best efforts couldn’t get him to stop selling drugs. The night he died, he had a confrontation with another drug dealer that would lead to his shooting death. I don’t want to re-live the facts as they are from that night. They cause too much trauma. I want to focus on how I have made it through the pain all these years later. I was 21 when he died, old enough to understand how the justice system failed us, how my brothers unlawful behavior contributed to his own death.  In the beginning of the grief process, all I could do was cry, probably through the first year after. I couldn’t talk about what happened to him, I couldn’t look at his pictures. All could do was cry and pray. Even sometimes I couldn’t pray. 

I joined a grief group in 1998 and that helped some. I was still having dreams about my brother and struggled to understand why someone would take his life and serve very little jail-time. During this time I comforted my mother often, she blamed herself for losing her son. I remember sitting down on her bed and reading the bible with her to help her pass her guilt and regrets. The truth is, it wasn't her fault, my brother made choices that cost him everything. I was maybe 23 years old--yet I had enough wisdom to help my mother.. As a family we visit Joel’s graveside every Memorial Day. He died on May 25^th and was buried on Memorial Day of that year.  Years and years go by. I finally learn what it means to give your burdens to the Lord. The weight of my brother’s death was so heavy, I couldn’t live with it. I had to give to God. How did I do that? I begin to thank God for the days I had with my brother. I found peace in knowing that God will never leave us nor forsake us. I found peace in the promises of God. I still felt the pain of loss, yet, I had the hope of God’s restoration in our lives as a family. 21 years later, we still visit my brother’s graveside, we thank God for his life, and we accept his death as God’s will. We miss and love my brother. We mend together, always holding a place for him in our hearts. 

I have a greater understand of God’s Providence; meaning He knows what is best, even if it means losing a loved one. I understand forgiveness, and how important forgiveness is for the healing heart. I can tell you I struggle with forgiving the ____ who took my brother. I am better though, having learned to live with my focus on helping my family—by praying for them to find peace and hope despite our grief. Each day is a day I can use to ask God for strength to overcome the impossible. I live each day in the hope of that promise. My pain leads me to that promise. Thank God.