To Thy Own Self Be True

I was having a text conversation with my soul Sista friend Kiana.  We have always had transparent conversations, and this conversation wasn’t any different. She reminded me that I am a serial dater. I take short breaks between relationships (historically) and don’t really like being without a partner. I had to take a few days and figure that out. Here is the dynamic that I understand about myself. I am by nature—introverted. However, I can also be extroverted when I want to be. For example, I have trouble calling new people on the phone because I am shy, I would rather text them. Furthermore, I can perform spoken word with a room full of people—I have performed spoken word with a room full of people during gay pride. I started to think about it. I enjoy my solitude—it’s how I recharge. I don’t have many visitors at my house. I spend a great deal of my time—alone. Until I’m in a relationship, then I spend most of my time with my partner. I also enjoy spending time with my family.  I am both introverted and social, which makes for a very complicated dynamic. I am by nature a true Aquarian. I can live alone for years at time (I have) and then have a live-in girlfriend for another period of years.

This right here ------> There is one inherent desire of every Aquarian – to be unique and original in all sorts of ways. However, this often leads to inconsistencies and confusion, two of the apt words to describe the Aquarius woman. Often the witty, clever, humanitarian, inventive and original person that she truly is, an Aquarius girl is also often described as stubborn, unemotional, sarcastic, rebellious and aloof (http://www.myaquariusvirgo.com/characteristics-of-aquarius-female/).

That’s a good description of my personality I like being in relationships when I feel like it. I like company when I feel like it. I love someone..yup when I feel like it. I will hold on to someone until, I feel like letting go. Does my nature mis-lead me sometimes yes, but here is another truth,  I knew which relationships would end before they did. I also know that my current relationship is serving a purpose, and as soon as that purpose is done, I will know it. I will feel it. I will allow it—it is already written. All that I can do is give the relationship and my partner my best, I always do that.

My partner is also an Aquarian and we have this odd but powerful connection. We travel along the same weirdness level, we love a lot of the same things. We are also artists. She paints, she does spoken word. Eklypse and Syrinity…we are powerful together when we get it right. She loves me, like the authentic me. I do not let many people in, think of my heart as one of those doors with a sliding opening, and a dude slides a tiny square opening revealing just his eyes and asks, “what’s the password”?  And that’s me, maybe 5 people in my life have the password to access my heart, my soul, my truest self if you will.  I am not a fake person, I am very reserved and private when comes to sharing my deepest thoughts and feelings with other people.

What’s the password: authenticity? I am drawn to people who are authentic. Everyone of my past serious relationships, I found a quality in that person that I embraced. Even if we didn’t work out, every one of my exes allowed me to be authentic, my weird, poetic, odd self.  And I connected with them on that level, always holding back enough of myself to live life after a breakup. Is that bad? I don’t know. I do know in my current relationship, I haven’t held back, I’m in love with Leah and Leah is in love with me.  I am not scared to love her. I have been scared to love in my past relationships. Looking back, I’m sure that's why many of them failed. However, something gave me pause about my previous partners and I started to hold my love back, I treated them well, I just didn’t allow myself to love them completely.

I appreciate Leah for loving me, even at my worst, she loves me; and at her worst I love her. Beyond astrology, we have a real connection.  We can talk and have true understanding. The important things we have faced in our relationship have made us stronger women.  We have come to love each other’s perfect imperfections. I remember one time, I was having a tough time dealing with my Nana passing away in November 2015. I was crying and Leah was sitting with me holding my hand on the couch, and suddenly she pulled me up to the middle of the living room floor and played Ed Sheeran’s “Thinking Out Loud” over the blue tooth speaker, as we danced my tears faded and she just held me, and sang the words in my ear, and I felt loved. And for the first time in my life, I didn’t hold anything back.