Vulnerable

It's Christmas Eve, my adult children are here. I am blessed. I have overcome so much in 2018. My long embattled case against the state settled. I prayed Psalm 23 almost every day to cope with the amount of stress and harassment that goes with a workers comp case. I found strength in Joel Osteen emails and letters from his ministry. I have managed depression and found that the more I am grateful the more hope I found in trying again--starting over right where I am. The greatest lesson of 2018 is being able to start over again, with the odds against me, counted out, and looked over. I still feel encouraged to keep going. I still struggle with holding on to relationships that are toxic in many ways, my relationship with Leah has gone south, north, east, and west. Yet, I sit here and tell myself I cannot walk away. I can't start over again. Why do I hold on when I know it's not bringing me the happiness and joy I deserve? Then I think about a word that means so much to me; once I made myself vulnerable to Leah--the nights spent crying about the death of my Nana in 2015, my son being incarcerated, and my pending case against the state. Somewhere I thought she would be the one to just walk with me,  I don't need anyone to fix me--despite my setbacks I remain grounded in faith and hope.. I choose who to let in and out of my life. However, how long do I hide behind being vulnerable as an excuse to end something that is already dead. In 2014, I went to an event hosted by TD Jakes, and he said, we ask God to breathe into things that are dead to us. We ask Him to bless marriages, relationships, jobs, and interest we left a very long time ago. How can we ask God to bless anything we don't even show up for anymore? Come thru Bishop!  Bishop Jakes is right. If I have checked out--why would God bless something I say I am committed to, but I'm not anymore. I would not describe myself as a weak woman. I would say, I tend to hold on to dead things for much longer than I need to. I tend to overlook real heartbreak for apologies. I tend to forgive when the same mistakes are made over and over again.

I must find a way to both release what is dead, and accept that it's not a personal failure--but in fact a lesson to be learned. I have a special friend in my life who has listened to my shenanigans, laughed with me over my ridiculousness, and then sternly put me in my place, as Nene Leakes, reality TV star said, she got me together real quick. She is a beautiful soul, to be appreciated and not taken for granted. And I won't ever again

What I realize is, I cannot claim to be done with the drama, then play a part in the continuance of the said drama and then cry victim. I am not a victim. I am stronger than the 18 wheeler that hit me leaving me with chronic back pain. I am stronger than losing my Nana. I have no control over  those events-- it's life.  I have decided in the coming year, if I'm blessed to see it. I will not be vulnerable to my emotions. I am praying for clarity to see things as they are; not as I want them to be. I will ask God to bless things I am committed to, serious about, and show up for. And right now, that category is two things: family and friends. I have all but given up on romantic relationships as a 42 year old lesbian. I haven't had sex in nearly 6 months, at this point I have a roommate, and what type of stupidity is this?

Being vulnerable doesn't mean being a coward. I have some decisions I need to make for me. It's past time hiding under seeing "the best" in others or putting anyone else's needs ahead of myself. I need to love me. I need to release myself from the bondage of loving people who just say they love me. I will be vulnerable only to my destiny and what journey that takes me on. Today has been profound. 

Merry Christmas~