Quixotic

Today has been really hard dealing with the breakup. I'm having a hard time dealing with the lost of the relationship. It wasn't the best and it wasn't the worse. I genuinely thought we were in the process of building something lasting. I guess I really didn't pay close enough attention to the things that weren't going well. Maybe I didn't listen, maybe I didn't give enough. Or was it simply--I gave the wrong things. Either way, I'm feeling hurt and lost. Here it is the Holiday's about a week away without the person I wanted to share it with. No more messages or phone calls throughout the day. Just silence and too much time to think. I thought about sending an email, or a friendly text but I'm afraid of being rejected or hurt more by the response. I'm just kinda hiding. Trying to be friendly at work is even hard because I don't feel like talking to anyone. And I still care about her and her family. What a mess. Because there is no way we

Constructed views built to block reality I'd rather smile and hide and pay later Consumed by naked embraces and quiet midnight hours I refused to think about the distance that was growing beneath the closeness I denied anything less then perfect happiness I ran to prove it all but you wouldn't hear my fantasy anymore Time was up Slow aches no phone calls or messages All I wonder is... Did you know? Where you aware of the tall tales we told? Copyright CS Knight 2011

Scarcely was the love I had to begin with I gave Blamed and responsible for the failure Angry I kept trying the more I tried Lessened the chances of working it out Foolishly I wonder why I even bothered Silenced Living on pain Tears will dry Copyright CS Knight 2011

It's almost a joke that I wrote everything is going great--just a few days ago. The trouble is I have been dating someone who resentmented me for past mistakes that I made--that created a sort of an imaginary relationship (in the sense we didn't deal with our issues as we should have)  as a matter of fact. Let me explain. I thought I had something, I thought that I found love, I thought that I was being loved in return. However, it turns out..she was just pretending and doing nothing more than tolerating me--and I her! (this is harsh and was more than likely my hurt feelings talking, :( I would say we each tried to make it work)   So we lived in a kinda bullshit state all the time. Until yesterday. First, we had a blow up argument about..well doing the booty dance. She said she couldn't be in relationship with someone who thought it was "okay" to do the booty dance!!!! I still cannot believe she actually said that. So after we tried to sweep that agrument under t

tens of thousands of unfinished thoughts bleak and tangled emotions realized confusion materilized in cohertent artfully arranged sentences careful don't say this don't say that maybe it's not okay to think of ever being free back to the safe programmed conversation robotics in action we are as different as colors stuck in a rainbow remind me of what I should say my opinions have left me broad and confined to the caves of usual once I used to take all that I gathered and planted it among my friends silenced pinned into writers block Copyright CS Knight 2011

It's been a great year--and it's not over yet. I finished my degree, got a new job, bought a new car and overall things are very good. My family is doing well and me and my girlfriend are doing MUCH better. Eveything just takes work--patience and lots of understanding. I like the new group of people I work with; I'm still figuring things out but overall, its been a positive transition. I haven't written any poetry in a long time. I go through spells of writers block..I'm trying to found my voice..the creativity is usually always there; it's the motivation to put on paper or virtual paper that comes and goes. Guess I haven't felt inspired..I've had bits and pieces of things come to mind..but nothing grips me enough to write it down..I once read that the best remedy for writers block--was well to keep writing..even it's really bad. So maybe after this post I will something--even it's not my best. The holiday season is just around the corner and I

I'm beyond regret I feel down right stupid for allowing you to treat me the way you did Sitting outside of your place waiting for you like a teenager; Being neglected for hours as you withdrew from me You said you had to work Yet, the work was always undone You never wanted to spend time with my family You made up excuses to block any closeness and I let you Instead you bragged about your exes and me spellbound by the love I thought I had let you Where is my self-esteem? Why did I stay as long as I did? After two days of thinking so much is clear You took advantage of my feelings for you you trampled my thoughts, my emotions because I let you Me, I thought if I kept trying, kept showing you love, that I would be accepted and the love would be returned Instead you slyly pushed me further and further away it was subtle.. we didn't spend time the way we used to our conversations dried up and our days became predictable Meanwhile, I blam

I cy, silent, and sleepless I knelt down to faint after brokeness suffocated everything I wanted to call you a bitch but really I just wanted to stop hurting two days I woke up crying two nights I tossed and turned in the words of our last agrument I ached and starved by myself I wrote some shit on a yellow legal pad I stared at my phone and hoped you called so I could ignore you I talked myself out of cussing you out through a text message I'm angry with myself for trying to convince you I was the right person for you but really I was never the right person for you And you let me know it everytime you rejected me pushed me away and pointed out all the mistakes I made I lived on egg shells breathed in your contempt and felt every stab of resentment you had for me Yet, in the months prior to yesterday I lived in a state of limbo suspended by my feelings for you and the reality of what we didn't have trying to prove how much I cared, ho

So I landed a new job and started on June 1, my plan to finish my masters degree and find a new job in January all panned out. Working in the city is way different from working in my lil country town where I live. So far though it's been great. It's so rewarding to go back and read all my post about growth and moving forward then to see my dreams materialize within a few months. I am very thankful. I graduated in May, and had already been offered and accepted a new position. I celebrated my graduation Mother's Day weekend with my family and my partner right by side. How ironic was it for me to have received the same card from my BFF and my G/F? It was a trip, and of course my BFF who has NO SENSE at all, was thinking my G/F went into her purse and stole the card she bought for me and gave it to me, bc they were seated next to each other. LOL, she was half serious, but made for a very FUNNY joke at the table. It was wonderful having all my family stand by my side as I accom

Holding to you sometimes is like catching the tide with my bare hands Slipping through the ideas of your lips Tasting the salt of your touch My sandy desires  soak the horizon Mesmerized like sea captains to the call of your love Lullaby into the sweet calm of your eyes   Stay rushing beautifully wet with me Copyright CS Knight 2011

I'm sitting here thinking I never saw this shit coming I was so caught up in your way of smoothly telling me what the fuck to do I always ended up apologizing for things I never thought I was guilty of Just to keep the peace Just to keep the noise Just to keep you I always made sure I went back over the way I said or didn't say things I have allowed myself to dance a dance I will call: "just to keep her" Just to keep her I changed all my ways Just to keep her I changed my patterns Just to keep her I hide from the truth of all our misunderstandings Just to keep her I sit in my car talking and pleading Just to keep her I closed my office door and convinced her I loved her Just to keep her I cried alone, wishing and hoping things would change Just to keep her I called and called Just to keep her I almost lost myself Now it's to the point I don't think I can keep her She says everything I do and say is wrong She said she hate

We have had an adventure 250 mph 1000 foot drops included heart-pounding moment of silence and what do you just say? all make us the colorful couple we have become more like training or a crash course in compromise I've learned so much from you and I feel changed from knowing you We went out to dinner held hands exchanged cards and celebrated our anniversary I want many more I love you EJF Copyright CS Knight 2011

i don't know why i kid myself i don't want to leave you i don't know why i hide from my own thoughts i don't know why i can't just be sometimes always moving from one place to the next searching for growth and answers i have to ask myself am i afraid to win? am i afraid to be happy? why do i always hold myself back from success well today i'm launching into the abyss of confidence in who i am all of my inhibitions concerns hang-ups discarded and just free fall into me seeking nothing but inner peace

It's hard to believe that just 1 month ago we were so damn happy Now I'm sitting here wondering how can I stay? You say, I haven't given you what you need I don't give you enough understanding The thing is when I try to give you understanding You silently leave me sitting in my wonderment I can honestly say this is the first time I didn't see it coming It felt so good along the way I ignored every taste of discomfort disillusioned I happily went along with your bullshit Now I can see that what is coming Is much worse Way more lonely then the lonely nights I already have I gotta learn not to text you Or care as much I caught myself today staring into the space before my eyes stunned and kinda stupid thinking about all the things you said to me I just don't think I have the strength to trust you the way that I need to You can blame my ex wife the way you always have she lied, cheated and mislead me for 8 years Now when you say you going

My partner took me to NYC for my birthday on February 12. When we first arrived, I was in awe, as our hotel was right in the middle of downtown NYC and although it was 12 midnight...it was after all the city that never sleeps and the hustle and bustle was on. I saw people walking, talking, and waiting in line at Foot Locker. I snapped this picture as we arrived, its the Empire State Building.  The next morning, I woke up, and I was bouncing in the bed with excitement. I was ready to hit the city and find an adventure. And I did, my partner dropped me off (parking doesn't exist, LOL) at the nearest Star Bucks so I could make the coffee run, the closest one was in Times Square! I stepped into Times Square and my jaw dropped, the full color billboards, the taxi's honking, and hundreds of people swarmed around me. I felt like I was on a set of a movie and cameras were rolling, the energy was surrreal. I loved it. After taking some photos, like a true tourist! I walked into the

You materialized at my place around 2'o'clock in the afternoon we chatted on my couch with Pandora in the background It's still crazy how I double-check my gear, ponytail and cologne before you get there We sat kinda like strangers at first... then you leaned over and cuddled under my arm We were talking about something that happened earlier but the positive energy of now was causing us to forgot the negative energy of then I felt my conscious ease into a kiss Your mouth calmed the discourse And we found resolution in an embrace I ended up asking if maybe, one day, maybe we could um move in You said how nice that would be and maybe in 6 months we could um maybe move in you told me how nice and "handsome" I looked and I felt school boyish then you told me how much you needed me and that's when I felt masculine and stroked your thighs as you practically were on my lap kissing me and stroking my ego I felt helple

B eing with you has Revealed so much About me Your love has encouraged Me to face my flaws And repair my brokenness Your touch Has been a healing For my hidden pain From the first time You warmed my hands; To the kiss you gave me Saturday Your warmth has shone into Me and I’m changed All I want to do Is to be a better me So I can give you more The way you love me Is like gentle tulips Growing in the summer rain Refreshed and beautiful My heart like A seashell Is yours to put to your ear And hear my ocean of craving to be next to you I love when You stand close to me and look me in my eyes I draw in my breath slow As you kiss me like the sun setting gracefully, I forget where I am or what I was thinking As I taste your caramel lips I close my eyes And drift into your space And I know I love you with all of me I know that all I want Is to spend my life Growing with you I know that I want to Build a home and life With you I want to understand Everything about you I want to li

February has always been a very special month for me. First of all, my birthday is this month and I love birthday's, especially mine. Lately, I've found myself relaxing..yes relaxing, not getting all worked up over things that usually stress me out. I'm starting to realize that all that stressing never really solves anything. I'm focusing my energy on one word: PROGRESS. And so far, I feel like I'm on my way to accomplishng my career goals. Ive been submitting applications left and right and I'm waiting for responses. My relationship...ohhhhh the unpredictable circumstances. Well lately, we have made some PROGRESS. Actually I got really pissed about somethings and wanted to end it, she came over to my house at 1am, and well we talked...we ended up getting back together and that experience really helped to get us out of the rut we had fallen into. I think with her and I, we have to find a way to peacefully disagree and work through our differences. I think that

I can feel the drain in my face the draft in our conversations the dwindling of our intimacy slow evidence of decension unrescued emotions undone passion phases of the moon out of sync bruised I am alone without comfort in your lack luster love Copyright 2011 CS Knight

I t's a New Year, but unfortunately things aren't all that new. Now, I'm not going to whine like a baby. I'm just observing how many of my relationships and situations have eased into the new year right along with the idea of starting over. I'm going to be positive. I want to make this year, a year that I make progress in my personal life and reach my career and relationship goals. In fact, I didn't need a new year to change my attitude about things I didn't like or agree with in 2010. For starters my relationship has seen ALOT of ups and downs and I'm just not sure how to take it anymore. At one point I was determined not to let the status of the relationship have an effect on other things in my life, but I found that really difficult to do. So now, we are just taking things one day at a time. I haven't stepped away..or indulged in my infamous "check out" (that's when I just become indifferent about the relationship). I'm much m