Heartbroken
Today has been really hard dealing with the breakup. I'm having a hard time dealing with the lost of the relationship. It wasn't the best and it wasn't the worse. I genuinely thought we were in the process of building something lasting. I guess I really didn't pay close enough attention to the things that weren't going well. Maybe I didn't listen, maybe I didn't give enough. Or was it simply--I gave the wrong things. Either way, I'm feeling hurt and lost. Here it is the Holiday's about a week away without the person I wanted to share it with. No more messages or phone calls throughout the day. Just silence and too much time to think. I thought about sending an email, or a friendly text but I'm afraid of being rejected or hurt more by the response. I'm just kinda hiding. Trying to be friendly at work is even hard because I don't feel like talking to anyone. And I still care about her and her family. What a mess. Because there is no way we can be friends. So I guess at some point I will learn not to care? I keep going over the last argument, I mean really-- the booty dance (see post Embarassed and Hurt)? Do people really get that mad about someone else's opinion about doing the booty dance? (yikes) I would also like to say--I don't do the booty dance. And the things she brought up from the past, who breaks up over something that happened (and was resolved--I thought) from 17 months ago? Or maybe I need to take a closer look...Maybe she is feed up! And maybe I'm just to oblivious or was too afraid to accept that it was coming to that. Maybe I was living in denial. Which she made that easy because a great deal of the time; we enjoyed our time together, we shared and talked. I'm so confused! But I don't want to call her for clarification on anything. I'm hurt and I feel like we need to give each other some space. And if she/I ever call...I guess.
Or maybe we just arrived at a point that was inevitable from not effectively dealing with our issues over the duration of the relationship--BINGO. This hits home with me. Back to what I said earlier, I thought the issue from 17 months ago was resolved--because we talked about it, we addressed how she was feeling. BUT she never got over it. I knew she was dealing with some resentment stemming from that issue and other things...but honestly I thought we as a couple were working through those things. I guess she decided she just didn't want to deal with any of it, and I have to respect that. It really hurts and I really miss her though. I'm sure that's okay and with time things will get better for me, and for her.
Or maybe we just arrived at a point that was inevitable from not effectively dealing with our issues over the duration of the relationship--BINGO. This hits home with me. Back to what I said earlier, I thought the issue from 17 months ago was resolved--because we talked about it, we addressed how she was feeling. BUT she never got over it. I knew she was dealing with some resentment stemming from that issue and other things...but honestly I thought we as a couple were working through those things. I guess she decided she just didn't want to deal with any of it, and I have to respect that. It really hurts and I really miss her though. I'm sure that's okay and with time things will get better for me, and for her.
I know it's hard, especially ending a relationship just before the holidays...but you'll breathe again. I think sometimes we know what's coming deep down inside, that a relationship is going to end, but because you want to keep it so badly you ignore some things about it that really bother you. In the end though I figure it's got to be for the best.
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