Embarassed and Hurt

It's almost a joke that I wrote everything is going great--just a few days ago. The trouble is I have been dating someone who resentmented me for past mistakes that I made--that created a sort of an imaginary relationship (in the sense we didn't deal with our issues as we should have) as a matter of fact. Let me explain. I thought I had something, I thought that I found love, I thought that I was being loved in return. However, it turns out..she was just pretending and doing nothing more than tolerating me--and I her! (this is harsh and was more than likely my hurt feelings talking, :( I would say we each tried to make it work)  So we lived in a kinda bullshit state all the time. Until yesterday. First, we had a blow up argument about..well doing the booty dance. She said she couldn't be in relationship with someone who thought it was "okay" to do the booty dance!!!! I still cannot believe she actually said that. So after we tried to sweep that agrument under the rug, I asked if we could go out for the night and that opened up another blow up. Long story short..we went out, I didn't enjoy myself bc of the hurt feelings I had about much of what had been said--by morning everything we thought we imagined we had evaporated.. However, in the hours that have gone by since yesterday..I come to realize that...she isn't a bad person for not wanting to do the booty dance--bc it might damage her "image" the truth is we are two entirely different people who cannot find a middle ground--on pretty much anything. We have been going through the motions for months now. Both trying to hold on to a shoe string of hope--thinking we would grow to understand each other. I'm really hurt it didn't work out. Of course I could say all kinds of things, but the truth is. I really wanted this relationship to workout. I thought that one day I could "prove" that I was the one for her. How sad--how stupid of me. I actually thought I could convince her that our differences could be overcome through talking/sharing/listening that isn't true--at least not for us. I'm trying not to be bitter. I'm trying not to think about the fact I won't be spending the holidays with her. I'm angry how things ended. I'm really hurting.

I should have never tried to "prove" anything. I just thought I could do and say all the right things, make important compromises and I would be rewarded with a stable, loving relationship. Nope. I guess sometimes when relationships have rocky beginnings..they never recover. And the mis-leading part of all this is--me and my ex gave each other "lip service" never really resolving our issues from the past. Even though we attempted counseling, she said we shouldn't go back to counselor because it was putting to much of the focus on the negative experiences we have had. But yet, 3 months later, she still has resentment towards me for things that happened over a year ago. I throw my hands up. I gave everything I had to give. I loved. I opened my heart. I opened my life. And still wound up hurt and alone. What more can I do?

Everytime I reread this and come across the word "tolerate" my stomachs turns. I'm searching deep inside my thoughts, and trying to make sure this is accurate and the truth. Unfortunately, I think it is. I don't think she liked me as person or me her or a better way to say this I don't think we accepted each other completely. I think as time went on..the gap between how we view different things became larger and larger--putting a great strain on the relationship. I think we both harbored resentment for the other. I'm hurting..but I'm glad it's over (that's what I'm telling myself anyway). It was unhealthy and toxic--when we argued. What I need to do is, be honest. If my feelings are being hurt, I should never pretend that things are okay. If something has been said that is hurtful, I should say so--instead of worrying that I will lose the relationship--because that is what happened anyway. And most importantly, if someone doesn't forgive me and constantly brings up the past, dissolve it right away insteading of existing in a hurtful limbo of resentment, bullshit, and lies. I'm left wondering.. why love wasn't enough?

Not sure why love wasn't enough. I'm sure my lack of trust added to the issue. One of our major agruments was her always wanting to go out of town by herself. When we met I told her that I didn't think it was healthy for a relationship for one person to travel without the other. Maybe that was too much, maybe I was being selfish, either way I truly felt that way; and it created major agruments and quite frankly could have been the source of our breakup. It could also have been the source of the resentment..guess this is an "a-ha" moment. Looking back..I don't feel bad. I just have to date someone who feels the same way that I do.