My Children

All along I thought my children were different. Drastically different. My daughter a senior in college and my son released from prison in 2017. My daughter working and paying her bills, my son bouncing from job to job. My daughter renting an apartment and my son bouncing from state to state. My daughter appearing stable and responsible. My son grossly irresponsible, racking up speeding tickets, fines, and court dates for minor traffic infractions. My daughter no children or the desire to have any. My son, at one point, having 3 different girls claiming him as the father. Then one day I get a call from my daughter, a disturbing call, she is upset, overwhelmed, tired of over achieving, feeling as though our family expects her to succeed in everything she is involved with. I leave immediately for a visit with her, we sit down and have dinner. She looks across the table at me and holds her head down, I ask what is it? What has you so upset I ask her? After a few moments, she explains if I tell you, you will be upset with me. I assure her that I won't and just tell me. I look around the restaurant, observe the 4 white guys chugging beer next to us. The waitress, wearing a huge afro puff checking on things we need at our table. The game playing on several monitors around the steak house. My attention falls back on my daughter. She isn't volunteering any info. So I start asking questions. Are you involved with drugs or alcohol? No she says quickly. Are you stripping on the weekends, no she explains I was stripping during the week, making lots of money then I hurt my knee..I freeze in my seat, kinda stuck as to what to stay next, so I keep going. Are you being safe? Her look changes, she moves food around on her plate, she said well..kinda-of. She said I have been escorting for the last two years to help pay for my apartment and my bills. In my head, I flip the table over and scream, whattttttt???. At the table, I say gently no judgement zone here, tell me why you aren't working. She explains making $10 an hour for 15 hours a week wasn't cutting it. There is a twitter group with 4000 escorts trading information about clients, how to verify an individuals name, place of employment, family status. I am just stunned, heartbreaking. What has brought this pain into her life. I remember 5 years ago, she was drugged and sexually assaulted we went to court and obtained a restraining order against the assailant. He was a another student, her college decided there wasn't enough evidence to expel him, he graduates 6 months later without a hitch, without consequence. My daughter goes into therapy. I cry. I visit with her more often than usual because at this time I live in the same city. Flash forward to this moment. I cannot believe what I'm hearing. We finish dinner. I tell her I will help with bills, she agrees to look for a part- time job and go to counseling. I cannot get the stinging in my eyes or heart to stop. I pray a prayer, father help my daughter, and help me to help her. We leave. I make up an excuse to not come up to her apartment immediately. I call my friend and cry in my car, letting the weight of what she has shared with me hit me, it sinks me into a moment of pure worry for the safety of my daughter, a grown woman, whom I cannot control. It aches like drilling holes into my skin. What is going on in her life? At least she said she would go to therapy. I'm lost yet relieved she told me, she didn't have to tell me. I would have never suspected it. Turns out my children are a-lot more alike than I thought. Old ideas about both of them thrown out. I see them both clearly. I don't judge them, I just realize I need to figure how to help. How to love them into loving themselves and making better decisions I feel a faint good luck with that rise in my chest. People--my children included are going to do what they want to do. I am here to love them, not change them. I pray more. I cry more. I begin the process of letting go of any imagined control I thought I had..I am still.