Quixotic

I'm beyond regret I feel down right stupid for allowing you to treat me the way you did Sitting outside of your place waiting for you like a teenager; Being neglected for hours as you withdrew from me You said you had to work Yet, the work was always undone You never wanted to spend time with my family You made up excuses to block any closeness and I let you Instead you bragged about your exes and me spellbound by the love I thought I had let you Where is my self-esteem? Why did I stay as long as I did? After two days of thinking so much is clear You took advantage of my feelings for you you trampled my thoughts, my emotions because I let you Me, I thought if I kept trying, kept showing you love, that I would be accepted and the love would be returned Instead you slyly pushed me further and further away it was subtle.. we didn't spend time the way we used to our conversations dried up and our days became predictable Meanwhile, I blam...

I cy, silent, and sleepless I knelt down to faint after brokeness suffocated everything I wanted to call you a bitch but really I just wanted to stop hurting two days I woke up crying two nights I tossed and turned in the words of our last agrument I ached and starved by myself I wrote some shit on a yellow legal pad I stared at my phone and hoped you called so I could ignore you I talked myself out of cussing you out through a text message I'm angry with myself for trying to convince you I was the right person for you but really I was never the right person for you And you let me know it everytime you rejected me pushed me away and pointed out all the mistakes I made I lived on egg shells breathed in your contempt and felt every stab of resentment you had for me Yet, in the months prior to yesterday I lived in a state of limbo suspended by my feelings for you and the reality of what we didn't have trying to prove how much I cared, h...

So I landed a new job and started on June 1, my plan to finish my masters degree and find a new job in January all panned out. Working in the city is way different from working in my lil country town where I live. So far though it's been great. It's so rewarding to go back and read all my post about growth and moving forward then to see my dreams materialize within a few months. I am very thankful. I graduated in May, and had already been offered and accepted a new position. I celebrated my graduation Mother's Day weekend with my family and my partner right by side. How ironic was it for me to have received the same card from my BFF and my G/F? It was a trip, and of course my BFF who has NO SENSE at all, was thinking my G/F went into her purse and stole the card she bought for me and gave it to me, bc they were seated next to each other. LOL, she was half serious, but made for a very FUNNY joke at the table. It was wonderful having all my family stand by my side as I accom...

Holding to you sometimes is like catching the tide with my bare hands Slipping through the ideas of your lips Tasting the salt of your touch My sandy desires  soak the horizon Mesmerized like sea captains to the call of your love Lullaby into the sweet calm of your eyes   Stay rushing beautifully wet with me Copyright CS Knight 2011

I'm sitting here thinking I never saw this shit coming I was so caught up in your way of smoothly telling me what the fuck to do I always ended up apologizing for things I never thought I was guilty of Just to keep the peace Just to keep the noise Just to keep you I always made sure I went back over the way I said or didn't say things I have allowed myself to dance a dance I will call: "just to keep her" Just to keep her I changed all my ways Just to keep her I changed my patterns Just to keep her I hide from the truth of all our misunderstandings Just to keep her I sit in my car talking and pleading Just to keep her I closed my office door and convinced her I loved her Just to keep her I cried alone, wishing and hoping things would change Just to keep her I called and called Just to keep her I almost lost myself Now it's to the point I don't think I can keep her She says everything I do and say is wrong She said she hate...

We have had an adventure 250 mph 1000 foot drops included heart-pounding moment of silence and what do you just say? all make us the colorful couple we have become more like training or a crash course in compromise I've learned so much from you and I feel changed from knowing you We went out to dinner held hands exchanged cards and celebrated our anniversary I want many more I love you EJF Copyright CS Knight 2011

i don't know why i kid myself i don't want to leave you i don't know why i hide from my own thoughts i don't know why i can't just be sometimes always moving from one place to the next searching for growth and answers i have to ask myself am i afraid to win? am i afraid to be happy? why do i always hold myself back from success well today i'm launching into the abyss of confidence in who i am all of my inhibitions concerns hang-ups discarded and just free fall into me seeking nothing but inner peace