Bitch'n

I am having a really hard time admitting to myself and to this blog that I have still been dealing with my "sometime" girlfriend of the last 2 years going on 3...We have had drag down knock out fights some that are documented here..and then blissful new beginnings later on down the road. So what can I write about? I have faced the truth so many times. I have let go so many times. I have held on much more. Guess the only thing left to do is walk away and don't look back. As hard as that has been.. She is so angry at me. I mean really angry at me. Does she have a right to be? Sure. We have had alot of ups and downs. I understand that. However, what doesn't work for me is the constant accusations, insults, and general mud-slinging. We don't enjoy each other's company as much as we used to. We don't talk as much as we used to. We aren't friends as much as we used to be. We are declining. Much like a plane landing, a slow and steady drift to the ground. Little things turn into big things. We argue about the past, more than we plan for a future. We are stuck in "you did", "I did", and now you fix it. But no one knows where to begin fixing anything. It's a mess. It has become or maybe always was, a toxic relationship. Never have I felt so helpless and my efforts been so futile in any romantic relationship. I give of my emotions and time, she says it's not enough. I take her out for a date to --reconnect and share again, she says you took me to a place I didn't want to go. I feel worthless. I feel depressed. I ask her to be apart of my family and build a life with me, she tells me I have already built a life for myself. I feel devastated. We aren't compatible; and I have been trying to bend over backwards to compromise and maintain a relationship. However, the more I give, the less I get. So now I'm just disappointed and at the point of giving up. I would never give up before. I would try to give her what she wanted or at least what I thought she wanted, hoping we would find happiness again. We didn't. We just go back and forth. Cat and Mouse. Tit for Tat. I'm too old for this shit. She wants me to be this "stay at home" girlfriend while she travels the world. I'm sorry I'm in relationship for companionship, not to be an after thought. And she is tired of not traveling the world. And maybe I'm wrong for wanting a partner who will include me with their life plans. Or maybe no one is wrong. Maybe just aren't meant to be. Either way, I'm tired of all the bitch'n.