Quixotic

Today has been really hard dealing with the breakup. I'm having a hard time dealing with the lost of the relationship. It wasn't the best and it wasn't the worse. I genuinely thought we were in the process of building something lasting. I guess I really didn't pay close enough attention to the things that weren't going well. Maybe I didn't listen, maybe I didn't give enough. Or was it simply--I gave the wrong things. Either way, I'm feeling hurt and lost. Here it is the Holiday's about a week away without the person I wanted to share it with. No more messages or phone calls throughout the day. Just silence and too much time to think. I thought about sending an email, or a friendly text but I'm afraid of being rejected or hurt more by the response. I'm just kinda hiding. Trying to be friendly at work is even hard because I don't feel like talking to anyone. And I still care about her and her family. What a mess. Because there is no way we

Constructed views built to block reality I'd rather smile and hide and pay later Consumed by naked embraces and quiet midnight hours I refused to think about the distance that was growing beneath the closeness I denied anything less then perfect happiness I ran to prove it all but you wouldn't hear my fantasy anymore Time was up Slow aches no phone calls or messages All I wonder is... Did you know? Where you aware of the tall tales we told? Copyright CS Knight 2011

Scarcely was the love I had to begin with I gave Blamed and responsible for the failure Angry I kept trying the more I tried Lessened the chances of working it out Foolishly I wonder why I even bothered Silenced Living on pain Tears will dry Copyright CS Knight 2011

It's almost a joke that I wrote everything is going great--just a few days ago. The trouble is I have been dating someone who resentmented me for past mistakes that I made--that created a sort of an imaginary relationship (in the sense we didn't deal with our issues as we should have)  as a matter of fact. Let me explain. I thought I had something, I thought that I found love, I thought that I was being loved in return. However, it turns out..she was just pretending and doing nothing more than tolerating me--and I her! (this is harsh and was more than likely my hurt feelings talking, :( I would say we each tried to make it work)   So we lived in a kinda bullshit state all the time. Until yesterday. First, we had a blow up argument about..well doing the booty dance. She said she couldn't be in relationship with someone who thought it was "okay" to do the booty dance!!!! I still cannot believe she actually said that. So after we tried to sweep that agrument under t

tens of thousands of unfinished thoughts bleak and tangled emotions realized confusion materilized in cohertent artfully arranged sentences careful don't say this don't say that maybe it's not okay to think of ever being free back to the safe programmed conversation robotics in action we are as different as colors stuck in a rainbow remind me of what I should say my opinions have left me broad and confined to the caves of usual once I used to take all that I gathered and planted it among my friends silenced pinned into writers block Copyright CS Knight 2011

It's been a great year--and it's not over yet. I finished my degree, got a new job, bought a new car and overall things are very good. My family is doing well and me and my girlfriend are doing MUCH better. Eveything just takes work--patience and lots of understanding. I like the new group of people I work with; I'm still figuring things out but overall, its been a positive transition. I haven't written any poetry in a long time. I go through spells of writers block..I'm trying to found my voice..the creativity is usually always there; it's the motivation to put on paper or virtual paper that comes and goes. Guess I haven't felt inspired..I've had bits and pieces of things come to mind..but nothing grips me enough to write it down..I once read that the best remedy for writers block--was well to keep writing..even it's really bad. So maybe after this post I will something--even it's not my best. The holiday season is just around the corner and I